You don't have to answer this.
But, have you ever hated life so much you can't stand it even though we know God's Plan?
Someone will probably tell me to take this off my blog; but I'm not. That's how I feel and can only hope that someday things will be better.
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3 comments:
I'm never sure what to comment on blogs sometimes but I felt like I should say in this situation, that yes, I have hated life so much that even an eternal perspective couldn't make it better. I think all people feel that kind of despair at times. I told Kyle a few weeks ago that if the veil could be lifted for just a minute, I would be okay because I could see where God was going with the struggles we endure. Or, even if I could see the true character and content of my spirit, before it was sullied by the world, I would have greater strength. It's hard to accept that there are some things we're not meant to know right now. I've always enjoyed Elder Holland's talk, "Broken Things to Mend." It might help for you to read it again (I'm sure you've read it before). We all need reminders every now and then that things will get better.
In the meantime, know that lots of people are praying for you and your family.
XOXO
Holli
It's not that I've really actually hated life - it's that I've hated situations within my life.
Would you like to travel in a time machine? Here we go ...
Once I was 5 yrs old (it would be only a few months until my 6th birthday). My young mom had a newborn baby boy, two other small sons, and three litle girls. I was child #2 (the oldest daughter). My mom calls a taxi, places us kids in the back seat, has the taxi driver take her across the river where the bars/clubs were located. Once we arrive my mom places my newborn baby brother in my lap. And in the while of being only a little child I find myself trying to take care of my siblings in the backseat of a taxi. Shortly after my father comes outside a bar (where he has been drinking) and he has blood running all down his face - I honestly thought my mom was going to kill him. Because she had taken a beer bottle and broke it over his head. She was over taken by so much anger!
The memories of that night - they stuck like glue to my mortal book of remembrance.
That was only one story - I could share many more.
I was born to worry. I was also born to work. My mother always needed me - and she needed me to do everything right.
I always thought deeply about every thing - I honestly learned to do that early in life.
Rondi, when I was a little girl - I often looked at my image in the mirror. Thinking myself to be two people. The girl outside the mirror, she had to experience the heartaches - but that little girl inside the mirror (that looked exactly like me) - her world was perfect. Oh how I longed to trade places with her. It's actually kind of neat to think about me doing that when only a child. I guess I found some sort of communication with myself. Some how knowing I was indeed two people. Natural and spiritual. I learned very early to let my personal spirit comfort my natural being.
Mortality can break us ... I know that it indeed can.
But - there is that small little grain of a mustard seed! A seed, the Savior told us, if we'd have just that small amount, we could move mountains! Perhaps we don't only have need to climb every mountain, perhaps we need to find the strength to move them.
I've had a tough couple of months. I have need to move mountains! When I tell you that I'm hurting inside - know I'm hurting inside. I'm want to move mountains ... i'm doing the best I can to do it. But it's hard!
I've been blessed in my mortality! My Christopher came and took me away - and he's been protecting me since Nov. of 1976! He has been good, loyal, he has loved me, he's had patience with me all these many years. He's a quiet person - a peacemaker. I needed that kind of husband. I'm forever thankful for that blessing. I know I cause Chris to worry sometimes - because I can despair over situations I can not control.
I love our children and grandchildren - when I'm down - they lift me to higher ground.
Don't think bad of my Dad. Because the gospel changed him. Don't think bad of my mom - I adored her! I don't believe my father ever had the ability to walk on water - oh - but I believe my mother did!
It's not that I've really actually hated life - it's that I've hated situations within my life.
Love, Thereasa
(I pray that I have not written anything to personal here - please forgive me if I have)
Holli and Thereasa,
You both have said things that I have felt, experienced, and hated. Sometimes don't you wonder when the refiner's fire is going to burn out? Maybe I haven't been refined enough.
We all need a support group so we can laugh together, cry together, or just hold each other. Why is it in the church we are so apt to keep everything inside?
Thereasa, although my life hasn't exactly been like yours when you were younger, there is so much of my childhood that ruined so many relationships. Like you, I have one person on the outside and one on the inside. Thank you so much for sharing and caring.
Holli, Elder Holland's talk is my most favorite talk in the whole world. I don't know how many times I have read it. And Kenneth Cope's song that he wrote (Broken Things) was based on that talk. I know that the Lord is there; but sometimes there is a wall. And like you Holli, if only I could peek behind the veil and see how beautiful it is going to be, can you imagine the strength it would give us to carry on. But, for now, I am going to have to find that little mustard seed that can help me climb the mountain and then see where I want to move it to.
Love you both
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